I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
