i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
