you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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