get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
even my farts smell like vagina
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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