Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
