This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
