all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
