he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i think i just lost a toe
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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