Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
