I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
