this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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