My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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