Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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