Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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