I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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