Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
