I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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