You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
