I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize