god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
