It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
