She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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