U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
my poor anus
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm way too hungover for life right now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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