I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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