I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Two words: blizzard sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
