You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
