i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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