she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
