I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
