I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
