Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
