My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
