dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
