i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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