pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fill condoms, not promises.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
