I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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