my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
