why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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