wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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