i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
