Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
