my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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