the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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