So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
