Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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