You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
