new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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