You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
