But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
