If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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