you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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